What Depression Feels Like - a glimpse

Occasionally, I go through my old documents to get some introspection into myself and how much I've come along since starting my spiritual journey. Let me tell you, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows shat out of a unicorn's sparkly ass. I'm still a work-in-progress; we all are. The point, however, is that it's okay to have bad days. It's okay to be sad, narcissistic, lonely, etc. We are human, after all. Everyone at some point goes through a series of negative thoughts. Some people just level themselves out faster than others is all. The key is to remind ourselves to keep going and if you take time to reflect on your progress from time to time, you'll see how far you've come since you began taking steps forward. 

So here's a (cringe-worthy) glimpse into the depression I went through at one point in my life. I was finishing up another quarter by prepping for some wonderful exams, questioning my life and whether I was worthy of feeling happiness (like a Linkin Park classic):          
         
                    5/11/2013

The more I seem to learn about this world, the more inclined I am to believe that I am extremely naive and actually know very little. I feel disconnected more and more with everything. It is discomforting, to say the least, but while my aim is to change the negative aspects of my life, I can't help but feel it is all a lost cause.

Never have the words “easier said than done” sounded so truthful and profound. I talk about change, yet nothing is different, only the setting. Emotionally, I am needy. I am a wreck. I am a roller-coaster of emotions. I can’t even keep my thoughts together.

My mind knows that gender stereotypes have dictated many of my actions. I have long since been indoctrinated by our expectations. I know that in order to change, I must put in the effort to do so. I talk about how malcontent I am with many aspects of this world, yet I too, am a disgrace. I don’t feel hopeless (at this moment anyway), I feel lost. I feel like I was heading down the right path, but as I lift my head up, I find myself unsure of where I am. This uncertainty took all of the positive emotion and energy I had built up and curb-stomped it.

There are so many things I want to do, but when I think of my backlog of things to do, it overwhelms me. I see it as a never-ending list of chores I will never get done. I take a second to consider how much time I need to accomplish everything and find that my life is far too short; that my existence is far too insignificant to be able to achieve my goals.

Drinking tea is supposed to calm the nerves. Whether this train of thoughts is me thinking clearly, I don’t like it. In my ever-present quest for self-awareness, I find myself questioning more and more whether I really know myself. Is how I see myself an accurate depiction, or am I actually very different as a person? What is my purpose? What am I able to contribute to the world? What is my role? Is this spiral of negativity only a state of mind, or is it a reflection of where I am at in life?  Am I really fine as myself? Can I really remain this way for the rest of my life?

Escapism: something so powerful. It pulls you in and keeps distracting you from what you need to do.

So there you have it, I was a wreck. I even wrote some pretty depressive poetry (a future post, perhaps?). Have I made progress? Maybe. I live not through questioning my worth, but through questioning what I really want in life and how I can make it happen. I've never taken action to seriously inflict harm to myself, but I know of many people who have, and just know that my heart goes out to you. It reeks of miso soup that's been fermenting in the summer heat for a few days (you don't even want to know). Just know that you're not alone. You know this, but you need to remind yourself every now and then. I can relate. Others can, too. We cannot, however, read minds. So if you're feeling the blues, sometimes sharing these feelings with someone you trust can help you find some answers. You stuck in a rut? Talk to a stranger in hopes of learning something from them. You might just come across something insightful, which may lead you to finding the answers you seek. You never know until you try, yeah? And if you're already tried, try again. Believe in yourself. You can do it. 

                                                                                                                              Peace & Love

Every emotion is valid; even sadness. The trick is learning how to channel them effectively.